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| well, it's been a loong past couple months...
and sadly after all the training, i still am not going to be ready for the race. so i'm pulling out. 
it's been a long road, and the decision to drop out wasn't an easy one. i wrestled with it for awhile, with the idea of failure, the feeling of defeat, the frustration, the disappointment...but in the end, i really think that if anything i've learned not that i failed at this, but that i am capable of doing some cool things if i believe in myself. and this goal just wasn't attainable at this time...but i am definitely gonna make it someday. i believe in myself and know i can. i just am not quite there yet, but i'm not giving up.  i am very excited about my future triathlon pursuits, and am now going to be focusing on training for a 5K in july. that's a challenge enough!!
love ames
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| running was a little better today. a little. stress on the word little. but still, it's a step!
while i was running, this thought crept into my head:
"never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."
i think we both know that i'm afraid of failing at this. and maybe i'm afraid of knowing i tried my hardest, did my best, and still couldn't. that that might not be enough. that scares me a little.
maybe God was trying to tell me something again today..."never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."
i'll try not to...
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| so when i first started swimming this semester, before i went to the pool for the first time, rachel and i were talking about how much i thought i would be able to do and she reassured me i'd be able to get to the point i need to be at. i said that i didn't see how that was possible; i could only swim like 4 laps before i was dead. she told me that when you're swimming, yeah after the fourth lap you feel like you're just gonna die--but you keep going. you push through that, and the rest just happens. you just keep going. yesterday at the pool, yeah at like the eighth lap i was reeally tired. but i just kept swimming, and made it through my goal amnt of laps for the day. i think rachel's advice is really relevant to life in general. with any goal you take on, you reach a point where you just don't feel like you can keep going. but when you push past that, nothing can stop you. pretty cool feeling, huh.
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| i think that today when i decided to go to the pool for the first time in a month, God knew how frustrated i was before i even went. yesterday i rode my bike to my child study student's house. it's a short, easy ride. but as i was riding, my legs hurt. and i found myself thinking, again, "i can't do this." i felt so frustrated. i've been trying to remember what we've been talking about at counseling, how i have to work hard but remove the word "should" from my vocabulary--not to consider that i "should" be at any point, but accept where i am and work to advance. anyways, i digress. so today when i went to the pool, i think God knew that if this swim was really really bad, i was going to give up. quit. even sitting in my lounge this evening, i was dreading the swim. but i went anyways...and when i got in the pool, i was hanging on the wall, getting ready, and i noticed a little thing written on the corner of the whiteboard on the pool wall, directly accross from my lane--"you see what you can't do. i see how you can be driven to reach what you dream of doing." coincidence? well, we both know my opinion of so called "coincidences"...that there's no such thing. ok, so i took a couple breaths and swam 4 laps and took a break. then i caught my breath, and swam 6 laps and took a break. i was having some asthma trouble, but i forced some air into my lungs and got ready to start again. but before i did, i read that little quote again...and said a prayer. I asked God to give me the strength to do well and to give me hope and faith in myself. mostly tho, i told him that i was doing this for him...and promised to swim hard, because he has given me chance and ability and i don't want to disappoint him. also, thought about the students at virginia tech who lost their lives. i thought about how precious life is, and how lucky i am to be healthy and alive. and how i need to be doing something more, something worthwhile with the precious life i've been blessed with. and how the triathlon will help people who are sick and need help. so deep breath, start again, and i made it 20 laps without stopping. seriously, i think God just knew i needed his help today, and once i reminded myself that i'm doing it all for him, it's ALL for him, i found the strength in myself. and it felt good. it was the boost i needed to get on track. and i realize that even if i work hard, i might not be ready. but at least i will know that i worked hard. and the disappointment i would feel if i work hard and fail will be nothing in comparison to the disappointment i would feel in myself if i give up now.
like the quote in my profile says,
"Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever."
-Lance Armstrong
thanks for believing in me all this time michelle...i'm gonna need your help reminding me to keep believing in myself these next 10 weeks...
love ames
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| so running the past couple days has been frustrating. it's hard because i got a little set back between spring break and then being sick...but i'm trying. i'm worried that this is going to be too big of a challenge for me and that i'm not going to be ready for a triathlon. i want to so bad, but i'm worried i won't be able to do it. my counselor and i were talking about why this has been so frustrating for me and she talked about it being part of the perfectionism and the "should" complex that i seem to have...you know, always thinking i "should" be doing this or that, or not doing this or that. we talked about approaching the training with the mindset that i'm going to work hard, try hard, and do my best. and that's all i can ask of myself. and when i go run, whether i can run 3 miles and still feel great, or finish one and be dying, that's ok. and we do still have a lot of time before the race, so i think it still is an attainable goal. but i'm going to take it one step at a time and not see myself as failing the long term goal when one day of training goes badly. ok, we'll see how the next couple weeks go...if this doesn't work out, wanna do a 5k together love?? that seems more attainable right now... :-/
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